Staring at the water
Beside the top of Niagara Falls
Thinking about throwing myself in.
My sister is visiting and I am exhausted by
Pretending I don’t want to die
Which makes me want death more.
I imagine my body smashing against the rocks
Or
Being pummelled under by the water.
I see my
Fat
Bald
Sad
Body
Floating down the river
On its back
Disgusting the other
Fat
Bald
Sad
Bodies that stand looking at geography
In this trash town
As if it means redemption.
I stop myself
By thinking
What if I become a ghost.
What if
In this horrible world
Of horrible horrors
The punishment for suicide
Is an eternity on Earth?
I step away from the edge
And tell no one
How close I was
To jumping.
Source: Scott Manley Hadley, 2003
First recorded for Moonchild Magazine, 2019